Scruffy's Revenge

by Jane Carnall

with the invaluable insistance of Ann

and Helen Raven determined ignoring

"He's what?"

"My grandmother's personal assassin is a stoat-like creature," Spock explained patiently. "He is most efficient; he was responsible for the early death of my grandfather -- on my father's side."

"And what the hell was he doing in my bed?"

Spock clasped his hands behind his back, focussed his eyes on the opposite wall, and looked glacially calm. Must be nervous as hell, McCoy mused.

"Grandmother... has never really wholeheartedly approved of our bonding."

"But assassination! Would she stoop so low?"

Spock looked mildly surprised. "Stoop? Assassination is one of the High Arts of Vulcan."

"Water-colour paintings of exploding volcanos are safer," McCoy muttered. "So what are you going to do?"

"I suggest we visit grandmother."

"We? I'm visiting T'Pau of Vulcan over my dead body - I don't like people who like me with rigor mortis!"

"You are being completely unreasonable, Leonard. Grandmother would not dream of assassinating you in her own home. I would, however, strongly recommend you not to accept any picnic lunches."

"I'll be a lot happier when that stoat's put out of my misery."

"I can't possibly do that!" Spock said, clutching the animal. "Scruffy's like a member of the family."

"I thought I was."

"She's been with us for years!"

"I won't be!"

"T'Fon is particularly fond of her."

"I can imagine why your grandmother's lover would be."

"T'Pau would never speak to me again."

"Do you care? Stop trying to weasel out of it, Spock!"

"Leonard, of course I don't want you to die. It would be extremely awkward, and wasteful."

"So kill the thing!"

"Scruffy won't try to kill you now, Leonard. She only had instructions for once. We will simply return to Vulcan and explain to grandmother why it would be injudicious of her to kill you."

"Can you explain it to that scruffy weasel?"

"Scruffy is not a weasel! A weasel's weasily distinguished. A stoat's stoatally different."

McCoy killed him. And died horribly. Then Scruffy committed hari-kiri.

The security officer never did work it out.



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